|
marieannekavita
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Marieanne
Gender: Female
Interests: Travelling across Southeast Asia
Expertise: Still thinking...but for the time being i'll go with TALKING!
Occupation: PA
Industry: Education
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/11/2006
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Its been a week since i last blogged. Lots have happened since then.
There have been many in-house movies. We're reached our 4th or is it 5th episode of Dr. Who. We watched Little Buddha and i cooked him dinner (pasta). There's also been a night when he serenaded me with his mandolin. So as you can see life has been petty blissful for me (not sure about him tho) these last couple of weeks - these two weeks to be exact.
Yesterday tho, all that happiness..etc, came crashing down.He received a job offer from back home.
When he called and read me the email...I swear i was so excited for him, i totally forgot that meant "Goodbye". Silly Marie...always late in processing things. 
Anyways, the opening is in September 2007. So that means, he leaves for his Voice Intensive early May. Comes back late June and then leaves again, but this time for good in August. Hence i've only April, July and 1/2 of August with him.
Rites..breathe Marie. Its not the end of the world...Just breathe.
I tired to focus on being happy and suggested we go out and celebrate.
We went to Sake Sushi for dinner and well...to be honest we both didn't eat very much. Sushi is like the 'in' thing for the both of us, but somehow y'day it didn't taste all that good....Plus they didn't have sake so you can imagine the agony....
So, we both came back and prepared for bed.
I swear it was the hardest to sleep next to him. At one point i just felt my mind take off and i broke down.
I tried, really i did. I tried so hard to be happy for him but i can't.
Believe it or not, its going to be 12 hours since he told me, and yet as i type this entry, tears are just pouring down my face.
I hate this! How could have i fell in love with someone? How? This is me, Marie. I've never fallen this hard for a guy and to think he's just going to pack up and leave? My hearts is sooooo heavy atm....Feels like someone's rapped an anchor around it and threw it down some bottomless pit!
I blame myself. I knew from day one what i was getting myself into and i still carried on...
Like CC said, this day would come sooner or later. There's no point in crying, i should just except things as they are. I should just enjoy every waking moment i have with him and be done with it.
After all, its not like he'll remember me in a month or two right? Il just be the Marieanne, the indian girl from Malaysia, whom he once knew... ©
| | |
| Am at work now. I just got of the phone with him.
We kinda had a our first lil (extremely lil) tiff.
I'm in such an asinine mood hence i kept irritating him. Go figure.
Perhaps it was the thought of the ex that kept nagging at me. Of this, i can't be sure...But i know somethings up.
Well whatever the reason being, hopefully it surfaces soon. © | | |
| I'm super happy atm. I suppose its coz i woke up in his arms AGAIN! In all my past relationships, he's by far the best person to sleep next too. Occasionally, he does role away or push me to the side, but eventually he roles back to hug/hold me. So 'manja'.
Plus there's something about his hands/arms that makes me feel safe, calm, at ease and relaxed even...Mind you they can also be very *evil* at times (especially in the mornings!).
Back to yesterday.
It was a peaceful night in. We bought back dinner and watched another episode of Dr. Who. He doesn't know this, but i seriously enjoy watching Dr. Who with him. Not only coz its fun but because it gives me an opportunity to share 'stuff' with him.
Because of the age gap, there's not a lot we share in common, hence when stuff like this pop's up...I SEIZE IT AS THOUGH MY LIFE'S AT STAKE! Silly no?...But i suppose that's what love does to person...
Having said that, love can also make you want to run and hide. Take for instance our telephone conversation just now. Just before we hung up, he said those three words..."I LOVE YOU".
The minute he finish saying it, the lil' voices in my head took over. "He's just toying with you Marie". "This isn't real Marie". "He doesn't mean it Marie".
God, at moments like this - I'd give anything to just run as far away from him as possible, so that he doesn't hurt me and vice versa.
Like i said; Isn't love silly?
Note: He mentioned that he had wanted to visit his ex in Istanbul sometime this year quite a while back. But y'day he pointed out IF he actually did go..He would get pretty confused between the both of us. How can??
That just sucked and HURT big time! And just for that split sec. i thought perhaps, just perhaps the voices are TRUE! © | | |
| I hate the fact that we work together (at times). Take for instance y'day.
We only had an hour together, but he blew up because i told him what Princess had to say of him during one of our meetings. Ethically, i wouldn't have done such a thing but even i felt, she was getting outta line.
Like i said, I hate days like these. He lets petty things like this get to him as the next thing i knew, he was out of bed, ranting on and on about Princess and her biddings. Frustration takes over.
Was i the only one who realised we only had an hour together? Silly me for being sentimental...
In the end i did what i knew best - I held back. I pretended that things like this didn't effect/hurt me. I calmly gathered all my things and prepared to leave.
Even when i dropped him off, he didn't kiss me goodbye.
Was it because i dropped him right in front of the office? So wert..The only ppl standing around were the guards. Haih..more hurt...
But bear in mind, this hurt isn't towards him but more so to the predicament that we're both in...
I suppose i will always be his lil secret.© | | |
| Smiles. Am relatively happy this am coz i woke up in his arms....
Though it hurt a lil coz he had to be up-and-about much earlier that i did, it was a pleasure just lying there in his empty bed. Smelling him on the pillows and sheets. He doesn't know this, but i think he has the most unique smell ever. Even when he perspires, he smells good. Kinda reminds me of pine...God knows why.
From the minute he got outta bed, my mind wasn't at peace. The thought of him leaving...going...and one day gone for good, raced through my mind...and my heart ached.
He sat by him laptop and read; perhaps checking for updates about his friend, who passed away y'day. Then he enter the bathroom, closes the door and showers - all the while trying not to make the faintest of sounds coz i'm "asleep". Of course, he doesn't realize that i'm watching...waiting...
He steps out of the shower and goes to sit at his laptop. Minutes go by yet he hasn't come to bed...To kiss me and play with my hair like he often does. I slowly stir and he realizes i'm awake. He finally comes to me...
He just hold me close and kisses me. I hold on to him coz i don't want him to leave. My minds like "Why can't he just cancel his class and stay in with me?" But i know he's too dedicated to his career for him to ever do such a thing.
He tells me that he's going downstairs to make breakfast and will not come up to say "goodbye". Again..my hearts aches coz i know one day it will be "goodbye" for good. "Ok"...i all i can muster.
I can hearing him making b'fast. It smells like coffee and toast from upstairs but i could be wrong.
All of a sudden i hear 'that' one stair creek and i know he's coming to say "goodbye"...Again he hugs me tight and kisses my forehead. So "manja"...Smiles.
Then, he leaves. ©
| | |
|
